TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
