ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
