this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
