and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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