make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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