come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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