have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
