No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
