just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I checked into jail on foursquare
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
