Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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