if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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