i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
