You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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