The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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