six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
