Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
