My liver just broke up with me...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
