u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
