Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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