Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
