I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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