Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
