i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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