glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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