Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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