I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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