hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
