For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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