Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
