life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
