While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
