just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
All I want is dick and wine.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
