Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
this beer tastes like vomit already
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
FUCK WHALES
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
