there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i think i just lost a toe
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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