Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
