ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
