why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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