birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
