The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
