Umm I'm too high to move.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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