You smell like stripper and shame
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize