No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
