I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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