How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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