The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
