Your face is a jimmy john
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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