they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
