My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize