The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
