if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
