I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
