mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
