So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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