She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
