Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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