Ambien. No doubt about it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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