im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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