Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
