I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
