i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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