I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
