I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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