ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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